lent ramblings

If you know me at all then you probably know that Lent is my favorite time of year. I've given up some pretty important things in my day: cheese, chips and salsa, sweet tea, talking about sex, instant messenger, waffle house, cooked foods. Let me tell you, that was difficult. But its always been a really good time for me and I end up giving up those things for good, except the cooked food thing.

This year I gave up watching Sex and the City and fasted for a day. Also, I decided to pray for an hour every day. I was doing so well until maybe two weeks ago. I had been journaling my prayers because I tend to get distracted or fall asleep when I pray, and an hour is a long time, so I needed to stay focused. But, I ran out of pages in my journal and normal paper just wouldn't suffice. I'm ridiculous, I'm completely aware.

Anyhoo, I'm upset that I wasn't successful in my prayer attempts. I've been thinking about the real reason why I couldn't pray for an hour every day. Sometimes I think its not god that I'm avoiding, but maybe myself. Or, if I think of god like I would a good friend then I figure not talking is normal for me. I'm usually the listener, but with god thats different. I listen, but I don't really hear anything. With most people I wait until someone asks me a question, and I guess I'm just not listening hard enough.

Although I'm disappointed I kind of see my failure as a good thing. I tend to be pretty legalistic and this lent attempt seemed more like something to check off my list, and thats not good either. I think the reason why I love lent so much is because its a wonderful time to use will power and self control, and until recently I had a lot of that. god is really breaking me of the need to be in control all the time, so I'm thankful for that.

I'm frustrated, still, because Jesus completely abided in god and obeyed Him by dying on the cross, and I can't even commit to praying for an hour? thats pathetic. But in Jesus' death we were made acceptable to god and freed from the law, so I'm good.